Unscheduled Break

When we lost my beautiful baby niece in December, I was lost.  I didn't want to create anything.  I didn't want to look at baby things or all the fabric and other bits and pieces I'd collected to make things for her.  I didn't even want to walk past the baby aisle in the supermarket or shops.  I had a huge hole in my heart and my life that was Elaina-shaped and that would never, ever go away. 

Today, several months later and that hole is still in my heart.  Sometimes, I think about something I could make for her, I see something she would love...a toy, an outfit, a book.  And my heart breaks again, cracking along those same lines....

So, I took a break.  I stayed in touch with craft-y friends, but I didn't make anything.  I admired their beautiful pieces, but I refused to sit at the sewing machine.  I commented and complimented their works of art, their quilts, their cushions, their creations, but I didn't make anything myself.  I even bought fabrics, threads, socks (for monkeys), buttons, etc....but I would NOT do anything with them other than file them in my cupboard.

Today.....today I sat at the sewing machine and sewed.....another poignant piece as I sewed together squares from the quilt I was making for my Nana before she passed away almost three years ago.  As a slow, gradual, sometimes crushing feeling of love, loss, happiness, grief came over me....I added stitches to Nana's quilt.  It's not perfect....it will never be perfect....it was started when I had little understanding of how to make a quilt.....but it will be filled with love, with my memories of her, with my memories of Elaina who had fueled my renewed crafting.  And it will always be mine to snuggle in....to wrap around me.....to hold on to...

I will post pictures as it progresses.  Today was just the beginning of a slow process to reawaken my creative spirit, to allow myself to not only create, but to remember and to grieve anew.